More From the Freaky Sweatpants File

Unearthed from Saks Fifth Avenue: sequined sweatpants.

I'm all for a cute sequined top, even a skirt, but sweatpants? I shudder.

Nuthin' Like a Box of Chocolates

Behold.

And they're mine — all mine.

My aunt brought me a box of See's assorted chocolates. It's a tradition in our family — she sent them for our family every year at Christmas. After dinner, my brother and I would stick our faces into the box, trying to will our eyes to see what was inside because you got what you got. If it had the nasty orange filling inside, you couldn't put it back. Your only choice was to eat it. Or throw it. And, nobody wasted treats in our house.

Now that See's is up to about $18 a pound, I never buy 'em. A box of candy is a luxury. And, since two of my three kids have nut allergies, they can't eat 'em. Husband doesn't care. Oldest child, who has no allergies and a sweet tooth to rival mine, does not know about them. Nor will she.

So, I will pick my way through the box, and unlike when I was little, if I bite into one and discover something nasty, I'll move on. Maybe I'll come back to it, maybe I won't. More likely, by the end of the week, about two-thirds of the box will be empty wrappers and the rest will have nibbles out of the ends.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to remember if my beloved mocha bordeauxes are the rectangular ones with sprinkles or the roundies.

Friday Shoe Haiku...Again

Friday Shoe Haiku

Snub-toe, pony-hair
These babies show flat is fun
Leopard always works.


Linea Paolo pony-hair, leopard-print ballet flats

Crappy Nailpolishers (Like Moi), You'll Love This

My toes never go naked. Never. They look so much better with polish. My fingernails, though, are another story. If I even dare to inhale after brushing the polish on, it smears. And that's after my nails already look like a blind monkey suffering from spasms painted them. With a roller brush. Yes, it is truly that bad.

But, Sally Hansen Natural Shine — despite its incredibly toxic smell — is a handy product for people like me.

It comes in clear and a very subtle pink tint and dries pretty much on contact. The natural shine isn't as wet and glossy-looking as a top coat — rather, it gives your nails a just-buffed look. A few coats makes them look, well, polished.

If you're completely inept at slicking color on those fingers, this is the stuff for you. It costs about $6 and is available at Ulta and drug stores.

Jeans You Want To Sleep In

Color me...curious.

Today's poking around the Web unearthed these: pajama jeans.

They apparently pull on and are made of some freaky-cool, no doubt pat-pending material called Dormisoft that's a cotton-spandex hybrid. The cheesy infomercial on the Web site gives me pause, but I'm still intrigued by the $40 jeans that are allegedly as comfortable as sweatpants but don't get all droopy in the drawers. I'm also leery of the sizing (xs, s, m and so on). But, there's no denying that the model in the photo looks comfy.

Sick, But Not Dead

True Story: Last night, I was writhing in bed, convinced I wouldn't live to see the morning.

Ta-da. I did.

Barely.

Some weird spinal meningitis/stomach bug slammed me hard yesterday, and I swear, I didn't think I'd make it. The sharp flashes of abdominal pain were actually worse than the pain from my unintentional natural childbirth (epidural didn't work). My neck was kinked and sore (that was the part I attributed to meningitis), and I couldn't get warm, even with socks and a thick, terry robe and a down comforter. It was awful. But, as I expelled half my body weight from one end or another, I had a crazy thought of trying to make it to the playroom to get onto the Wii Fit board, just to have it exclaim — for once — that I seemed to have dropped poundage. Usually, it flashes up this rude, dismissive message that I "seem to have put on some weight" since my last session. But, since it was hard enough making it the 10 steps to the bathroom, I didn't do it.

What I did manage to do, amazingly, was buy the Fossil polka-dotted scarf, seen in microscopic view here because I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to make it bigger. Plus, I still feel absolutely gross and woozy and unable to think clearly. Anyway, it was critical to get the scarf stat because a) I'd been obsessing over it since I laid eyes on it in the Fossil catalog last week, and b) a coupon for free overnight shipping was only good this one day.

The clock was ticking... I didn't think I could will my frigid fingers to go through the whole laborious process of inputting all my information. I had to stop twice to do my crazy hunch-walk to the bathroom. But, I did it. Got that sucker before free shipping ran out. It better be pretty damn amazing, too.

ADDENDUM: How the barf scarf story ends: Free overnight shipping ended up being three-day shipping, which annoyed me. You know how drunken dudes talk about "beer goggles"? Apparently there is such a thing as barf goggles because when I opened up the package, I was most underwhelmed by the object of my week-long lust. Meh. Not worth the $38, so off it went. Guess I learned my lesson — no more feverish shopping even with a free ship deadline looming. At least not from Fossil.

A Whole New Reason to Read Product Reviews

Proof that the Internet is the biggest and bestest (as my younger kids would say) time-suck ever: I cannot stop reading product reviews. Just can't help myself. I even read them for stuff I don't want. And sometimes, I get rewarded with gems like this from Zappos for the Calvin Klein Parma heels pictured here (which I don't want and I don't even know how I ended up looking at them):

Posted: Oct 1, 2009
Reviewer: Manwearsheels from St. Louis, MO
Overall: Comfort: Style:
I adore these heels! As a male high heel wearer, who owns many heights and styles, these sexy sandals have become one of my favorites. Even though very high, they are remarkably comfy and I could, and do sometimes, wear them all day. Yes girls, there are men than that enjoy wearing (secretly and openly), the same womens' shoes you do.

I don't even have a response to that. I'll bet y'all are gonna start reading more product reviews now, huh?