Swimsuit Shopping

Did that title just make you shudder?

Yeah, me, too, and not just because for the last few days I've pulled on my workout clothes only to end up eating chocolate in them, not exercising. I wonder if squishing my stomach with Spandex somehow reduces the calorie count? You know, because it can't be digested properly?

Let's hope.

But, I can't avoid swimsuits any longer. It's been about three, maybe four, years since I bought a new suit. And, we have a pool. There is no more ignoring the sadly, stretched-out elastic any longer. I could be arrested for public indecency, if I allow any members of the public to see me in it.

Lately, in a complete demographic mismatch, Athleta has been arriving in the mail. These catalogs actually have potential swimsuit candidates. The suits aren't just made for girls with huge tatas and flat stomachs (yeah, I'm talking to you, Victoria's Secret), although the women in that catalog do look like they could bench-press me.

Athleta's suits are designed for women who like to do stuff while in swimsuits, so there's more coverage. And, you can choose a bottom half. Built like Gisele? Well, bitch, you can wear a scoop bottom. Your butt is like mine — more cottage cheese-y rather than pinup cheesecake — get shorts. Board shorts are so much better than swim skirts, which look so 1970s mom.

Athleta also touts that its two-piece tankinis are "meet and greet" length. Um, I've had three kids — I want that top and bottom to be totally intimate with each other from the get-go. None of this meet and greet nonsense. There should be no chance — nada — of that top riding up and exposing decidedly non-sixpack midriff. In fact, to ensure that very thing doesn't happen, I'm considering the tall size, just to get that extra inch of coverage.

Wish me luck.